You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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