a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i've created a new STD.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
