I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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