I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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