what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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