do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
