I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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