if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
