Where did you get a picture of my penis
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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