Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
