filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
