she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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