youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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