once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
