you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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