my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
