I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
