How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
