She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
