I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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