when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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