mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
