If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
