ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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