Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
