I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
