I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
