i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
