hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
