I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
soo... how was my night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
