you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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