ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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