Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
