Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
