There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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