I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
why is half of my head shaved?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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