I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
