Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
