you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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