oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Nobody cheats on THIS.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
