So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
