Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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