put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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