He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
