I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Drake has all the answers
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
