Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
