I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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