Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Are we still banned from the library?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
