If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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