my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
